So, um.. Thursday night, my heart stopped twice, my body temp dropped, my blood pressure went dangerously low.

I love my life. Severe anemia, coupled with heart attacks, mental disorders and the like. But I love that i'm still alive.


So, i can't take the medications they just gave me, so I seem to have narcotics in my cabinets. Awesomeness.

I don't know how much I want to still have a livejournal.. maybe I'll just let it go or soemthing.. I don' tknow.

so, my official diagnois..

Bipolar
maniac depressive
anxiety/panic
and something else

Prescribed.

Lamictal
Seroquel

OVER MY DEAD BODY!!
I can deal with the diagnosis. But I will NOT take those medicines. Seroquel..no. Lamictal will only make my anemia worse, and with how severe it is, I can't afford to go worse. In fact, i was hospitalized on Friday night because of it. My blood pressure dropped really low and my body temperature dropped pretty low as well. It sucked majorly. I was told I hit my head several times on the way down and blacked out several times for at least a minute.

Yah LIFE!

I have ten months to go (give or take) before I take my first trip overseas. That means I have ten months to brush and improve my speaking and writing skills.

I will admit. I'm nervous. Not because it's my first time leaving the US. Not because of the language. Honestly, I'm nervous because of the customs I'm unaware of. I'm not used to a society that at some points, still acts like 1950s America. Woman are still be treated as if they are of lower intelligence in Japan sometimes, almost like helpless creatures. While in America, we tend to believe that Japanese women talk like a 4 year old, for the women who want to be treated as equals, it's a hard hump to get over. People expect them to act like the idols in Japan and then get upset when they don't or just want to be accepted as themselves. it's along the same line as not wanting some celebrity here to represent how we are suppose to act. I can't imagine having to act like most female celebrities in the US.

I'm also nervous about the most obvious thing. I'm going to a place where literally .001% of the country has the same skin color. For a lot of Japan, most have never seen a black person before except on TV. I know Japan is a lot politer, but still..

I've spent the last month trying to learn as much etiquette as possible. I'm told that I don't have to worry too much about it, seeing how I'm not from Japan, but I want to learn, to understand, to respect the country I am visiting.

ah... ten months is going to go by so quick. I pretty much have to do almost nothing by immerse myself. Lucky for me I seem to be almost best friends with a guy who seems to know every single Japanese person at the ELI and U of Delaware. There's probably Japanese coming out of my ears.

So far my trip agenda is
Tokyo (maximum of one week). I have two friends to see. Otherwise, It would probably only be a day.
Osaka (up to 3 weeks). Two friends to visit here.
Hiroshima (maximum of one week). One friend to visit and show me around all the places destroyed by the atomic bomb. This has always been one of "Must see" things to do in my life.
Sado (two months). This is the place I really want to be. Away from the cities, mostly Japanese only speaking, countryside, ocean, self sufficient (almost).

So, lots to do to prepare.

Peace out.

"Pop and Punk culture rolled over and died some time ago. Some people actually still think Marilyn Manson is scary (or makes sense), that the punk of today has anything to do rebellion, that is a good thing that you can buy McDonalds in Prague, that movies are somehow relevant to our lives..

Television is our stage and our anesthetic. Real life happens on television in preference to our homes and streets. People resolve their relationships on freak show chat shows, instead of in living rooms, or bed, or even bars.

And it breaks. Rupert Murdock beams his crap into Asia, kids are taught that Z is pronounced ZEE by stupid looking furry cartoon animals, and all of the sudden, world cultures become the monoculture, the same conversation, the same clothes, the same show.

And, all over the world, one by one, we quit fighting it. We sit and we put the book we're reading down and laugh at the people on reality TV, snigger at Britney Spears, get out news managed for us by CNN and Fox News, and suddenly we're like all the rest. We're in cultural lockstep, taking holidays in other's people misery, asking for our stinking badges, dead heads nodding over phosphordot fixes."

Remember getting angry? Remember waking up in the morning and looking out at this plastic MTC soundtracked world we seem to have agree to exist in and getting pissed off?

Remember revolution? Remember that spark, that snarl, and scheme, and screaming the way we are suppose to? How about ranting and railing gains the dying of the light the way people should?

"I saw the best minds of my generation, destroyed by madness.."

I got a temporary computer since people seem to like to break the ones I have in my house...

サイテ！！！！

I am watching "The Craft" in Japanese right now.

Thank you NICO NICO DOUGA!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hmm.. no excuse for me not watching movies in Japanese.

I dislike being around people who hate kids and has to tell me that every freaking minute as if they magically appeared at 21 years old.
That's the honest truth.

yep.. long day.

So the Japanese learning on happening again at full force.. almost.

I just downloaded a bunch of photobooks from my older morning musume people. So far, I have some of Kago Ai, Goto Maki, Konno Asami, Yoshizawa Hitomi, Niigaki Risa (Gaki-San!!!!) and mini booklet of Kago Ai and Tsuji Nozomi. I even got a few of the making of videos. It's pretty awesome. In January, I'm not suppose to be speaking English to prepare for Japan, so this will be fun. Yah fun.

I just looked it up YESTERDAY and it wasn't true.

Bernie Mac is dead!!!!!!!!!! Why? Why do all the great black comedians/plus those strong black people who still have their balls (Obama is biracial (yes did we forget that his mother is German???) and he still doesn't have his balls) have to go?

I'm really in shock right now. Redd Foxx, Richard Pryor, Bernie Mac?

I'm gonna go watch The Orignal Kings of Comedy now....


Edit. ISSAC HAYES is DEAD!!!!!!!!!!! He died today too????

my house is a mess....

why is this? Because I'm lazy.

This was such a useless post that I just had to post it.

I've been getting this, well for lack of a better word, signs.

This is going to sound completely weird and probably bonkers. My dreams that I remember, Andrew and I were in a house, obviously ours, decorating. I can't remember what we were saying, but the entire dream had the one line of the song "heal the world" in it. This one.

"Heal the World. Make it a better place. For you and for me, and the entire human race"

And I mean over and over. It wasn't Michael Jackson's voice (I think they would have drove me crazy). I believe in my dream we were doing something I've kinda always wanted to do. have a house that was a safe haven to people who were considered different, a place where they can relax and talk and maybe find acceptance. I don't normally dream so lucid.

Why would I consider this some sort of sign? Just because last night, a Livejournal friend came by for a visit (it was a surprise) and we were talking about all that, you know beliefs and plans for life and I kept saying that I had no clue what I wanted to do anymore and that I wished that I did.

Today was spent half in the bathroom and half in bed. I did something that I don't normally do, gve up who I was and my beliefs for really no reason at all. I literally felt the pain of that one.

Lately I've been finding images, and seeing random quotes or always being in the right place to hear something that is extremely beneficial to me. I'm starting to think that I'm being shown something or led to discover something or other.

I don't think this made any sense...

real quick...

My bedroom is now purple...

and MICHEALS has a lot of Halloween stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*dances in her black underwear*

OMG!!!!!!!

okay..somthing just literally swooped down from my ceiling. It was like gold almost. It was a swoop, almost like how bats move. It came at my face and swooped up.

I actually moved my head to avoid it before I realized that there was nothing in the way.

oh wow. It's exciting in a way.

I'm hoping to not go insane before I finish the apartment...

I'm starting to wonder about myself.

I went out pretty much early. like around noon. I came home around 7:30. That's a long time for me to be out. I realize that when I'm out during the day. I get extremely angry and very hostile. I stop caring about possible effects on what could result from my behavior.

This bothers me. I should think about these things when I'm screaming at some random car going by because someone looked at me or threatening death to someone when I have a state trooper on my phone who knows my name and address (happened today).

I try to tell people that going out in the day make me hostile. I much rather go out at night, but most normal people sleep during that time.

I'm just weird, I suppose.

further wonderment of my weirdness.
-While I'm into faeries and the like, I would probably never wear wings (lied. I probably would).
-You'll never catch me at a Ren fair or anything like that.
-RPGs and roleplaying.. NO freaking way.
-Rock Band? Omg get a real guitar.
-Anime.. no.
-I'll never own a WII because it just looks absolutely ridiculous and just seems to play into the idea of living in front of a TV screen. (I did play it and it only reassured my previous beliefs).

Is it just me or do I severely seem to just not fit into anything at all? If I'm into faeries, the ideal seems to also be involved with ren fairs or role playing, or CSA, or whatever it's called. If I'm learning Japanese, I must like anime, hello kitty, sushi. (I don't like any of them). If I'm into darker things, I must like only a certain kind of music.

I'm a round peg!

I enjoy having being silly with a dollhead that's actually kind of creepy looking.


Therapy went well today. Even if it mean getting up at 7:30am (I go to bed at like 6 am or later) subjecting myself to the massive sunlight and dealing with the normal bus bs. I think I did remarkably well.

Issue.

I'm not the huggy type of person. Okay? I've very affectionate towards Andrew. Just to other people, not as much. So what is with women telling Andrew that my non hug persona will be the death of my marriage?'
Maybe I just don't want to just hug people all the time.
Andrew felt severely uncomfortable today as the receptionist at the counseling office, (that he knew prior being a former patient) as she said these things to him. Last week, she hugged him and then just hugged me. I explained to her then that I was not comfortable with just being hugged by someone I barely knew, much less without permission. So this week, I'm the girl who breaks up marriages. Andrew also felt as if she was approaching him in a way that went over a line. You know the hug that some women give. It really pissed him off because as he says "I'm trying to get my marriage back where it was and I'm sick of dealing with women who insist on doing all they can to ruin what I have".

Well, I'll give this to you menfolk. At least you're upfront about your intentions. I never have to second guess you.

I think I'm the only person in America who has absolutely no interest in seeing Dark knights or any superhero/comic book movie. Or remakes. Or cartoon turned live action movie. Man, just any movie as of lately.

Just thought I share that.

Is it weird of me to say that I get angry with Andrew when he goes "Ew, I'm sweaty. I have to get a shower", or takes forever in the bathroom brushing his hair.

The primalness come out of me when I see big, dirty, MEN. Not boys. Not metro freaks. Not straight guys secretly wanting to be gay, but men. Guys who look like they just got home from a brawl turn me on like nothing else. And to be clear, it's not like jock looking kind, or wanna be thugs.

I remember the first time I saw Stone Cold Steve Austin as the big brawler type. Omg. I was like "Good LAWWWD!" It's probably the attitude that gets me. I know. It's weird.

Henry Rollins and Christopher Meloni sandwich. *drool*


while I was writing this, Andrew must have read it because I got some very awesome sexing. YAh sexing!!!

So I'm here at the library, cruising the internet when I restumbled on the gothsofcolour.org website. it's no longer updated but everything is still there.
I liked that site, for well, many reasons. The main reason being that well, color. I like my color. There is no subculture that can make me be ashamed for my darker skin because you totally know that being goth means being as pale of a ghost. Really.
I also liked that rants, I will admit. I also like her writing.

Example
"Imagine if you will, a time when AIDS hadn’t even been heard of. When the internet, computers in every home, CD’s and CD players, and video games were just something in someone’s head, but not even on paper yet, let alone taken seriously. This was a darker time, when we didn’t always say what we felt, and said more than was decent: when being interracial was looked upon with disgust from both sides (and sadly, is now just "exotic pieces of ass"); when dressing or acting differently would more often than not get you beaten, ostracized, and sent to a shrink or a sanatorium. There were no gay pride groups, no support systems for emotional or sexually abused people, no alternative religions or beliefs outside of California. This was a very closed time, and there were a lot of things that were going wrong"

or

"To the older Goths, the Goth culture is symbolic of "Paradise Lost", the Tree of Knowledge that we were forced to eat from, without free will. It is the banshee scream of our lost innocence. And I don’t mean mom and dad kicking us off mIRC at 11:00 or not getting that car on graduation. I mean those of us who had to deal with being beaten by parents and schoolmates because there were no groups back then to stop them. Those of us who lost our virginity at 4 before we even knew it was wrong. It was the first time we heard the word "nigger", and then learned what it meant. The orphans with no families, or those of us who do have families, but had been disowned for who we wish to be. The young mothers who lost children out of their beliefs or miscarried from being beaten, the gay men who went through life in terror of being found out - and perhaps didn’t live long enough to see the Millennium due to hatred, AIDS, or both. So those of you that say "no-one is born Goth", I amend the statement. No, we were not born, but we were MADE."
(while I'm not an elder or anything like that, where I lived was like that, even in the modern times).

I full on appreciate and thank this woman for this. I thank every single person that made those steps before I needed to myself. I thank all of those had to carry the burdens so that we could walk standing upright. Everything that is about me I recieved from you and I am forever grateful.
So why is it that we have these new kids, who don't seem to understand what others have went through for you? That, for example, being so openly gay (not your "gay phrase) and having that acceptance (sometimes)came from thousands (and probably more) fighting that fight for you and even dying so YOU wouldn't have to. Like me, I forever pay homage to the darker skinned minorities that fought that battles that I don't have to face today. (almost all the battles).

I have no ideal where this was going.

here go to http://www.gothsofcolour.org